Trying To Stay Positive After 3 Miscarriages In a Row

I had a successful pregnancy and then 3 recurrent miscarriages in a row in a year. Here’s my story and how I’m trying to stay positive.

When I got pregnant this time around, I had really positive feelings about it. I told myself that this baby was going to survive and that Enceladus was going to have a sibling. I’m not sure why I was so positive, but I was. So break my heart, but I had a miscarriage. Again. And again.

Let me back up a bit.

In 2017 we had a healthy baby girl. Her name is Enceladus and she’s the joy of our lives. She’s my best friend and I love her beyond describable words. That pregnancy (my first ever) was pretty much uneventful ( I mean besides changing our lives forever). I got pregnant pretty quickly after we started trying. There weren’t any complications and I felt good throughout the entire pregnancy. Call me crazy, but I kinda liked being pregnant. I felt healthy and I liked feeling my baby tumble around in my big belly. 39 weeks later, with just 10 minutes of being in the delivery room, Enceladus entered the world in a rush.

18 months later we decided that we wanted to give Enceladus a little sibling that she could play with (and boss around). We figured it would be relatively easy to get pregnant again. After all, the first time around went so smooth. But we were wrong. It hasn’t been easy. It’s been full of blood tests, unanswered questions and tears.

We’ve had 3 miscarriages this year, in the span of 10 months. In January I had the first. We cancelled a family ski trip because I was distraught and in pain. In June, I discovered I was having my 2nd miscarriage during a Upstate trip to celebrate Enceladus’s 2nd birthday. In October, I had my 3rd miscarriage – this one I was positive was going to be ok.

The first miscarriage in January came around 6 weeks. I started bleeding, getting crampy and I pretty much knew what was happening. A phone call with a nurse confirmed I was having a misscarriage. She didn’t seem alarmed, said it happens, and told me there was no reason to come to the office. Since I was early on, it would flush itself out naturally. Great.

In June, I started bleeding on a family trip. I told myself that maybe it was normal to bleeding like this. Then it got heavier, and I pretty much knew was happening. This was around 7 weeks. I went in for my 8 week ultrasound knowing there was a 99% chance this wasn’t going to be a good appointment, but I still had that 1% hope. That’s the thing with miscarriages, you still always have that pinch of hope. Well, a quick internal ultrasound and a sad look by my Doctor told me everything. The baby was no longer even there.

After 2 miscarriages, the Doctor had me do an endless set of blood tests. There were so many blood tests, sometimes they called me in for extra ones because the lab didn’t have enough blood to run them all. It wasn’t fun. Then I got an ultrasound – external and internal – also not fun.

just some of the tests done

The good news, everything looked good. There was nothing alarming with the blood test results and everything under the hood looked a’ok.

The bad news, then why did I have 2 back to back miscarriages? Did anyone have answers for why this was happening?
The doctor cleared us to try again when we felt up for it. We felt up for it. We wanted another baby. So we waited for my cycle to become regular again.

Btw, here’s the thing that no one ever tells you about miscarriages. They mess up your cycle dramatically. You bleed for weeks. It’s painful. There’s so much blood. Then you get your period (finally) and you bleed again, for longer than usual. Everything you think you know about your body changes. It’s frustrating.

So we tried again. Come September, thought I was getting my period (always discouraging when you’re trying to get pregnant), but the bleeding was very light, and I started to feel some familiar tingles in my lower belly. One day, feeling like this might not actually be my period, I took a pregnancy strip test. Positive. I took one a few hours later. The line was darker. Pregnant.  My husband came home from work. I left the tests in the bathroom with a silly note attached.

We were happy. We were pregnant again. I was feeling excited. I really thought there’s no way I’m going to have another miscarriage. All the blood tests and ultrasounds came back negative, we must have had bad luck the prior 2 times.

I told Enceladus that Mommy had a baby in her belly. She wondered what this meant and then started talking excitedly about these two new babies (“one girl baby, one boy baby”) that would be sleeping in her room with her. Hold up. I have no idea where she got the idea there were TWO babies. But that’s her imagination creating these stories. I told her I thought it was only going to be 1 baby. She was still excited.

I called the Doctor the day after I got that BFP (that stands for “big fat positive” on Mommy message boards) to make an appointment. As we previously discussed, I would go in for blood work immediately when I got a positive test this time around. She’d be monitoring me from the start. We would not be waiting for that 8 week ultrasound.

On that Monday I went in for my blood tests. I was still feeling good. The Doctor got the results rushed and within a few hours she sent me a message with the subject “good results so far”. I would be going in again on Wednesday for follow up blood tests to make sure that my numbers were increasing. This was the more important of the 2 appointments as it compared the 2 results.

The next day I picked Enceladus up from school. Her teacher pulled me aside and wanted to know if she could ask me something. Oh no, what did Enceladus do? She said that she told the class today that her belly was hurting and that Enceladus exclaimed to her “My Mommy has a baby in her belly!”. I laughed. I was NOT expecting my daughter’s preschool teacher to be the first person to know. I told her I was. She was happy. I was happy.

On Wednesday I went in for the followup blood tests, and then ran a bunch of errands that had to be done. There was no quick message from the Doctor that day. My husband got home from work late that night and asked what the results were, I told him I didn’t know yet.

Thursday came, that morning I didn’t hear anything. I was planning on going to a cooking event that evening so I took a quick shower in the afternoon. After showering, I glanced at my email. I saw a message from the Doctor. The subject only said “lab results”. There was no “good” included like the first one. I clicked the message, and quickly scanned it, heart racing. The only thing that I quickly saw were capital letters saying “I’M SO SORRY”.

Heart break. Another miscarriage. The hCG levels and progesterone levels were decreasing from Monday’s numbers. This was an early chemical pregnancy. I was 5 weeks. Miscarriage number 3.

progesterone levels dropping

I called my husband. He said when he saw my name light up on the phone, he already knew. I cried. I laid in bed, the cats knowing I was sad, cuddled on both sides of me. I told Matthew to bring me a donut home. Hey, comfort eating really does work.

That evening I told Enceladus that the baby was no longer in my belly. I told her it got sick and had to go bye bye. She looked at me and then nodded her head telling me the “baby went bye bye down the street, baby was sick, but Mommy ok and happy”. Her innocence was what I needed. I hugged her and kissed her. I kept hugging her. She told me she wanted to go play with her toys. Hah.

So here I am, the day after, writing this because I don’t know how to feel. I mean, I know how to feel. I am sad. I’m crampy. I started to bleed this morning. But I’m also cried out. It feels weird to go about your normal day activities when you’re going through a miscarriage, not to mention the 3rd one in 10 months. One half of me feels hopeless, the other half of me still feels positive. It’s complicated. Geeze, why am I still positive?

But here’s the problem. We still don’t know what’s causing the miscarriages. I have an appointment with the Doctor next week to discuss next steps. She thinks it could be caused by progesterone levels, so we’ll discuss what that means.

You might be wondering why I chose to write publicly about this? That’s easy. Sharing is knowledge and knowledge is power and power is love. I share to educate. I share to give hope. I share to let others know “I hear you, I can relate, and I know, this really really sucks.” I share to support.  Miscarriages are common, although 3 isn’t extremely common, they happen to healthy women.  It’s not your fault.  I need to keep repeating that to myself.  Pamela, it’s not your fault. 

I’ll try to keep this post updated, but if you have any positive stories, I would absolutely love to hear them because that’s what I need to hear right now. I’ve been Googling like a wild woman, trying to find some hope from other women who’ve dealt with similar situations. Please leave a comment, find me on Instagram or send me a personal email. I welcome it all.

For now though, it’s time for me to go. Enceladus is on her way home from school and I can’t wait for my afternoon hug.

Love,
Pamela

(Originally wrote on October 4, published on October 6 – I had a hard time hitting “publish”)

27 Comments

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  • I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Sending positive thoughts to you and your sweet family. You are so brave to share this experience. Lots of hugs sent to you.

  • I am so very sorry that this has happened again. For what it is worth, when my daughter had a miscarriage, she was advised to wait 6-8 months to try again, to give her body time to recover from the loss. She waited the suggested time and then got pregnant again and carried to term without any issues. I know everyone is different but if this can help, I am grateful. God bless,

  • It’s so sad to hear but it’s great and important to remain positive. Our oldest son and his wife experienced a miscarriage between their two daughters. I was very surprised to hear my daughter-in-law state that without that miscarriage, they never would have had Emily. And Emily is a pistol! Our middle son and wife have been forced to try IVF and their first try, a boy, ended after only a few weeks. They are preparing for a second try with only two viable eggs remaining. This try will be a girl. Some of their issues are weight and chemistry related but they are nearing the 40 year mark.

    My sympathies are with you and your family and would really like to hear of your success!

    BTW, we’ve tried and enjoyed some of your recipes.

  • I am so sorry for your loss. one day your angels will come and put those babies in your arms when the Lord Jesus come. Until then be a blessing of a healthy pregnancy soon.

  • People don’t realize when you miscarry it’s a baby! Some people may say “oh well, you’ll get pregnant again”. Yes but you still grieve for that lost life! I don’t know how strong you are but put your faith in God and it will work. You have 3 babies waiting for you in heaven.
    This kept having to a friend and her Dr. the minute they confirmed she was pregnant they would sew her uterus shut to keep the baby in, that was the problem and the result..she had 4 beautiful children (now all adults). Good luck to you and hang in there.

  • Hi Pamela—
    Wow. Your story really hit home. I had a total of 4 early miscarriages in my childbearing years, after having trouble getting pregnant the first time. When I got pregnant the first time, I was all excited. Most people I knew had healthy successful pregnancies so I figured it would all go well. I started spotting at about 6-7 weeks and when I went in for the ultrasound a few days later, the doc had also told me there was no baby. It never developed or passed shortly after conception. I was a wreck—not only sad for losing the baby, but I had to hear so many implications that this was somehow my fault (my then MIL actually told me I shouldn’t have been pulling weeds in my garden the week before, which although I knew that wasn’t the reason I miscarried made me feel worse.)
    At this point I was finished trying. The post-miscarriage cramps, bleeding, and emotional upset, as well as people telling me to just keep trying (like what people say when you’re struggling with a class) was enough. Remember, I had already had problems getting pregnant in the first place. In fact, during that bout of infertility, I started thinking about adoption. We even went to a series of classes about it and had a home study done. I got pregnant when we were already registered with an agency who was looking for a baby for us. Of course, I never said anything about that pregnancy to the agency, so we continued following up with the agency. I miscarried in June of ‘95. In December of that year, we got a referral for the precious baby that would become our son. It was an early Christmas gift, coming a week or so before Christmas. Our son was in S. Korea getting loved in foster care, but ready to come home. Because of the previous miscarriage, I was guarded about this baby. Medical tests, etc. are done after referral and parents can decide whether or not they can care for this baby. Several agencies, like the one we got our son through, will offer seriously ill or special needs babies first, so that they will have the state of the art care here. So it was stressful waiting to see if our baby was healthy. About a month later, we got final word from pediatricians in Korea and here, that our son was healthy. I remember dancing in the kitchen. All we had to do was the paperwork to get his visa and final adoption processes, which the agencies held our hands for. The agency then sent actual snapshots to our local agency, and I saw my baby for the first time! ❤️ I still have one of those pix on my buffet. The rest are in an album. A few months later, his visa etc. was ready and we picked him up at the airport after his long flight. ❤️ I was finally a mommy!! ❤️❤️❤️ My son is 24 now and is in pharmacy school and working. My nest is empty, but these are the memories I go back to and cherish. And yes, it seems like yesterday when we would have our Mommy & Son excursions to the zoo, park, downtown, McDonald’s Playland, etc. He is the most amazing young adult I know. Hardworking, kind, fun, and a great sense of humor.
    What was really miraculous is I got my positive pregnancy test the day he was born half way across the world from me. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
    In my situation, adoption was how our son came to us. He is definitely the child who was meant to be mine all along. ❤️
    When he was about 6, I ended up pregnant again. I had 3 early miscarriages in about 3 years after that. I didn’t want to go through fertility treatments (my personal decision), but I did have the tests run to make sure I was healthy. We tried for another adoption, but that didn’t work out, which probably was for the best since I had some health issues (solved) and the marriage ended up imploding. But throughout it all, I am and was grateful for the beautiful son God gave me and the awesome young man he has grown up to be. ❤️
    I’m sorry for the long post, but please remember mainly that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Also, tune out people’s “well meaning” advice and comments as much as you can. Your friends will want to just listen to you cry and bitch and do as much of that as you need to. Make sure that you’re healthy, and of course hug and love your daughter and your kitties. My son and my kitties were such a comfort when I went though these hard times. Lean on people who support you and back away from ones who won’t.
    Hang in there. I know it’s hard to say it from where you are, but everything will work out. If you want to email me personally, that is fine too. I been there.

  • Hi Sweetheart,
    Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. I enjoy your recipes and I am glad that you took time to reach out. I don’t know if I have much to say to comfort you except I do have a story that may shed some light on your issue. When I had my 3rd pregnancy, everything seemed okay, in fact I didn’t have any morning sickness, and the doctor didn’t feel a need for an ultrasound (this was a few years ago, so I don’t know if things have changed there). It was strange too because I was using the “rhythm method” of birth control so I didn’t see how I got pregnant. But, what happened to me was that at about 7 months I went into labor. I started feeling nauseous. I went to the hospital and they told me go home, you are probably coming down with something, and I said NO, I’m not, there’s something wrong! So they took me in and hooked me up and sure enough something was wrong. They took me into emergency surgery and said there was a 90 something % chance I would have to go with the baby to a larger city but what I didn’t know was that the other % chance was that the baby would not survive. Madeline was born without a brain stem! She lived only a few minutes. I woke up to a dead baby. It seems to me if there is something gravely wrong with the fetus your body will reject it in time. But it is very frustrating to hear this is happening each time. Makes me wonder if there is a predisposition to both sides of some deleterious condition. I’m sorry for the heartbreak and loss. Wait and try again. Pray, because that does make a difference! Good luck and God bless. -mia

  • Hi Pamela,One of you other comments(Paula LeBarbera) wrote a wonderful letter to you and the advice from someone who has been through the same sort of situation that you are going through is so precious.
    I have never experienced something so harrowing as a miscarriage I cannot even imagine the grief it must invoke. It breaks my heart to think that your wish for another child is not a smooth and easy process. I hope with all my heart that things work out for you soon. Try to take care of yourself, physically and mentally right now.

  • Dearest Pamela so sorry for your loss and devastating heartbreak. You and yours are in my prayers. My Mom had many miscarriages and wanted to give up, but Daddy said just once more…. Then my brother was born, and two and a half years later I was born! So please, my dear, rest, then try again one more time. God bless you throughout this with comfort, love and hope.
    Much love, Shelly in Sunny San Diego🌞

  • So heart-breaking. It’s good to share heart breaks sometimes, so that love can rally around you. My knee-jerk response is to think about how when we try too hard for a thing is when it eludes us most. That if we look away and pretend we’re not interested, that thing will come ’round when we least expect it. But that’s not a solution. More a magic trick that doesn’t always work.

    My mom had 10 miscarriages to end up with three children. Some of those were late-term and devastating. But she never gave up. She did take rests between trying, though. I think that was as much for her spirit as it was her body. It’s a trauma that deserves spiritual healing, and tenderness and care, for ourselves and those around us so that one hurt doesn’t domino into others.

    Sending love and healing thoughts.

  • Thank you for sharing this. I have had the same pain in my life and I think being able to share and lean on women who have had a similar experience is so helpful. This made me smile and made me cry. So glad I found your post and I hope you know that you helped someone else in sharing your story. Best of luck to you! I know Enceladus will get a loving sibling. She sounds like a wonderful, adorable, bright child. What a gift. Thank you again and so sorry for your loss.

  • I am so sorry for your losses. I just had my 4th miscarriage on Oct 1st. I have had ultrasounds and bloodwork and no cause has been found for mine either. I am trying to remain positive. I have an appointment with a high risk OB to see if they can recommend any further testing. I have been very open about it with people. I have found it’s better for me to talk about it and be supported. Thank you for sharing your story. Stay strong!

  • Just going through my second miscarriage and reading stories like this makes me feel not so alone. im ascared off trying again incase I go through a third but more scared off not trying again as it will be my first baby. Only thing keeping me going is 3rd time lucky and if not I will get tests done as it will be 3 in a row. Thanks for sharing your story take care.

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